Friday, December 01, 2006
Lil' Timmy and the Quest for the Metal Acorn
This is a story. The portrayed characters are entirely real. Any resemblance of real life events is entirely intentional. Long winded, but intentional.
Long long ago, in a galaxy exactly right here...
...and they lived happily ever after.
The end.
Lil' Timmy was a simple boy that grew up in a simple home. His dad was Superman and his mom was Batman. Needless to say, Lil' Timmy did not do so hot during sex ed classes, but today's tale is not the time to dwell on Lil' Timmy's academics.
Lil' Timmy very much enjoyed collecting acorns, as all boys like to do. However, between his playboy Mommy making millions but his leeching Daddy using all of Mommy's money, there wasn't much left for allowances. And so, Lil' Timmy's acorn collection grew very slowly, as he could only afford the odd acorn here or there every month or two.
Then, everything changed.
Stay tuned for a word from our sponsors.
************************
Buy 1337 Stuff Here
************************
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And now, the exciting conclusion to Miami Vice:
One day Lil' Timmy was walking home from chicken school when he saw a shadowy sliver of a shadow jump out from the bushes.
"How are you doing today, little boy?" said an old looking old man, with a long beard white like a black panther.
"Err....I'm okay I guess" Lil' Timmy replied.
"Would you like to get some acorns?" the old man asked with a wide grin.
"Of course!" Lil' Timmy excitedly exclaimed.
"Then come with me to this dark back alley over on the other side of town".
And so Lil' Timmy followed the mysterious old man across town to find the dark back alley. They took the bus, whose route passed by many a dark back alleys. Lil' Timmy pointed those alleys out to the old man, but the old man said either mentioned that the back alleys were't back enough or weren't alley enough. They were all dark enough though.
And so the old man guided Lil' Timmy to the front of Maple Keys Store, the largest carriers of acorns in the nation.
"This alley would do." the old man said.
"But sir," Lil' Timmy rebutted, "This isn't an alley at all, nor is it dark in front of all the bright lights."
"Quiet you!" the old man exclaimed, "The author had a change of heart okay?"
"Oh!" said Lil' Timmy, "Understood."
"Now, which acorn is it that you want?" the old man asked.
"Butter acorn!" shouted Lil' Timmy non-enchantedly.
The old man smiled a smile, shook his head and said, "No no no...you must learn the ways of the jabroni inner fire."
"Jabroni inner fire?" inquired Lil' Timmy asked.
"See this?" the old man presented Lil' Timmy a Chocolate acorn.
"Oh! Choco" Lil' Timmy said, "That was like, last year's best acorn, I saved up 3 month's allowance to buy that."
"And how much did you buy it for."
"Fifty-five pandas."
"Ah, see, I got this one for ten."
"What? where?"
"Right here, 2 months ago."
"Huh?"
"You see, no matter how great the acorn is, the hype and demand for it invariably will dwindle. And as it dwindles, stores like Maple Keys will sell them for a much lower pandas in order to make room for the newer acorns." explained the old man.
"But, then you have to wait soooo looong" Timmy whined. "What the deuce? How come I aged 10 years?"
"The author must be tired of typing 'Lil''" the man explained. "Hey, I grew younger!" the man rolled his eyes. "Lazy bastard."
"Anyways, as I was saying, this is where the Jabroni inner fire comes in. JIF is an ancient Saiyan technique, it allows one to suppress the urges for acorns until they are reasonably priced, at which point JIF will release the force and one will go through hellfire and brimstone to retrieve the acorn."
"I see..."
"I shall now pass JIF onto you, use it well."
-*Months later*-
Timmy learned much from the man, whom he has acknowledged as Master. One day he received a note. It read: "It is now time. Go search for the Metal Acorn"
"Finally," Timmy thought, "I have JIF'd for this acorn for so long, it is now time to release the fire!"
And so Timmy trekked all over the city, looking at the Maple Keys Stores. The price for the Metal Acorn was very reasonable, however, all the stores that Timmy visited has already depleted their Metal Acorn stock.
Not to be discouraged, Timmy seeked the Master for guidance.
"I've looked all over, where else can the Metal Acorn be found?"
The Master grinned a smile laugh, and handed Timmy a scroll. "In here is the ultimate JIF technique, the checking of more stores."
"But I checked all the Maple Keys in the city!" Timmy said.
"That you have, but what of Pine Woods?"
"Pine Woods? But their Metal Acorns aren't reasonably priced..."
The Master laughed a chuckle, "They may not be, but they will match Maple Keys, their rival."
"They will?"
"As long as you have proof."
"Teach me more, Master."
"Now is not the time for this, go forth and retrieve the Metal Acorn. Only by mastering the JIF can you move on to the GPEG."
"GPEG?"
"Time is ticking, young one." the Master said.
"Oh, of course, I'm off Master" shouted Timmy as he raced to a Pine Wood.
"The fire is strong in that one" the Master contently said to himself as he grined his grin.
Timmy looked at the scroll from the Master, it read:
1. Obtian proof from Maple Keys.
2. Confirm stock at Pine Wood.
4. Ask for match.
5. Insist on the match if they check for Maple Keys stock.
"2 then 4?" thought Timmy, "Must be a typo."
And so Timmy walked into a Pine Woods store, wondering if any other JIF users has already used this technique. Checking the display, Pine Wood has many Metal Acorns left. Pleased, Timmy approached the store personnel and asked for a match in purchase price.
"Hm...Maple Keys did price the Metal Acorn very reasonably, make sure they have stock, otherwise we won't match it", one of the store personnel said.
Timmy's heart sank a little like a brick upon hearing that comment. But he kept on trying, perhaps they would be in stock at Maple Keys.
"So...do they have to have it in stock?"
"Yeah" the store clerk said while pigeoning Maple Keys.
"Do you check them all?"
"No, we won't, we'll randomly check one."
"But what if it's just that one that ran out?"
"Don't worry." said the clerk, but Timmy wasn't comforted. "Hello? Maple Keys? I was wondering if you have anymore Metal Acorns in stock. You do? Very well". Upon hearing this Timmy was instantly relieved, his quest is about to end!
"Well, they check their supply via the femputer, so calling any one is just the same." explained the clerk.
And so Timmy waited in line patiently to get the match in purchase price. After about 20 minutes and a bunch of going back and forth between store personnel later, the store clerk finally got a Metal Acorn and was about to match for Timmy.
"Huh, the femputer says that we sell this for less than Maple Keys", the clerk said.
"What?" Timmy said, "but the tag at the display says much higher!" The store clerk shrugged, and made a mention that these things happen. "So you still want to match?"
"No, I want it at your price then." Timmy said.
Content that he has completed his mission, Timmy went back to his Master, proudly presenting the Metal Acorn.
"I did it!" exclaimed Timmy, "I got it, but Pine Wood had it at an even more reasonable price."
"Oh, not surprising" said the Master, "so why did it take so long?"
"'Cause I had to wait for the store people to figure out all the match policy stuff."
"Huh? Didn't you ask for the price first?"
"What? The scroll said nothing of the sort, don't tell me lies."
"Let me see that," Timmy handed the scroll back to the Master. "Ah, I knew I forgot something, step number 3 is to first inquire about the Pine Wood price."
"WTF..." Timmy said under his breath as he rolled his eyes.
Chapter 1
---------
There once was a man from Pantucket...
Long long ago, in a galaxy exactly right here...
...and they lived happily ever after.
The end.
Lil' Timmy was a simple boy that grew up in a simple home. His dad was Superman and his mom was Batman. Needless to say, Lil' Timmy did not do so hot during sex ed classes, but today's tale is not the time to dwell on Lil' Timmy's academics.
Lil' Timmy very much enjoyed collecting acorns, as all boys like to do. However, between his playboy Mommy making millions but his leeching Daddy using all of Mommy's money, there wasn't much left for allowances. And so, Lil' Timmy's acorn collection grew very slowly, as he could only afford the odd acorn here or there every month or two.
Then, everything changed.
Stay tuned for a word from our sponsors.
************************
Buy 1337 Stuff Here
************************
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
And now, the exciting conclusion to Miami Vice:
One day Lil' Timmy was walking home from chicken school when he saw a shadowy sliver of a shadow jump out from the bushes.
"How are you doing today, little boy?" said an old looking old man, with a long beard white like a black panther.
"Err....I'm okay I guess" Lil' Timmy replied.
"Would you like to get some acorns?" the old man asked with a wide grin.
"Of course!" Lil' Timmy excitedly exclaimed.
"Then come with me to this dark back alley over on the other side of town".
And so Lil' Timmy followed the mysterious old man across town to find the dark back alley. They took the bus, whose route passed by many a dark back alleys. Lil' Timmy pointed those alleys out to the old man, but the old man said either mentioned that the back alleys were't back enough or weren't alley enough. They were all dark enough though.
And so the old man guided Lil' Timmy to the front of Maple Keys Store, the largest carriers of acorns in the nation.
"This alley would do." the old man said.
"But sir," Lil' Timmy rebutted, "This isn't an alley at all, nor is it dark in front of all the bright lights."
"Quiet you!" the old man exclaimed, "The author had a change of heart okay?"
"Oh!" said Lil' Timmy, "Understood."
"Now, which acorn is it that you want?" the old man asked.
"Butter acorn!" shouted Lil' Timmy non-enchantedly.
The old man smiled a smile, shook his head and said, "No no no...you must learn the ways of the jabroni inner fire."
"Jabroni inner fire?" inquired Lil' Timmy asked.
"See this?" the old man presented Lil' Timmy a Chocolate acorn.
"Oh! Choco" Lil' Timmy said, "That was like, last year's best acorn, I saved up 3 month's allowance to buy that."
"And how much did you buy it for."
"Fifty-five pandas."
"Ah, see, I got this one for ten."
"What? where?"
"Right here, 2 months ago."
"Huh?"
"You see, no matter how great the acorn is, the hype and demand for it invariably will dwindle. And as it dwindles, stores like Maple Keys will sell them for a much lower pandas in order to make room for the newer acorns." explained the old man.
"But, then you have to wait soooo looong" Timmy whined. "What the deuce? How come I aged 10 years?"
"The author must be tired of typing 'Lil''" the man explained. "Hey, I grew younger!" the man rolled his eyes. "Lazy bastard."
"Anyways, as I was saying, this is where the Jabroni inner fire comes in. JIF is an ancient Saiyan technique, it allows one to suppress the urges for acorns until they are reasonably priced, at which point JIF will release the force and one will go through hellfire and brimstone to retrieve the acorn."
"I see..."
"I shall now pass JIF onto you, use it well."
-*Months later*-
Timmy learned much from the man, whom he has acknowledged as Master. One day he received a note. It read: "It is now time. Go search for the Metal Acorn"
"Finally," Timmy thought, "I have JIF'd for this acorn for so long, it is now time to release the fire!"
And so Timmy trekked all over the city, looking at the Maple Keys Stores. The price for the Metal Acorn was very reasonable, however, all the stores that Timmy visited has already depleted their Metal Acorn stock.
Not to be discouraged, Timmy seeked the Master for guidance.
"I've looked all over, where else can the Metal Acorn be found?"
The Master grinned a smile laugh, and handed Timmy a scroll. "In here is the ultimate JIF technique, the checking of more stores."
"But I checked all the Maple Keys in the city!" Timmy said.
"That you have, but what of Pine Woods?"
"Pine Woods? But their Metal Acorns aren't reasonably priced..."
The Master laughed a chuckle, "They may not be, but they will match Maple Keys, their rival."
"They will?"
"As long as you have proof."
"Teach me more, Master."
"Now is not the time for this, go forth and retrieve the Metal Acorn. Only by mastering the JIF can you move on to the GPEG."
"GPEG?"
"Time is ticking, young one." the Master said.
"Oh, of course, I'm off Master" shouted Timmy as he raced to a Pine Wood.
"The fire is strong in that one" the Master contently said to himself as he grined his grin.
Timmy looked at the scroll from the Master, it read:
1. Obtian proof from Maple Keys.
2. Confirm stock at Pine Wood.
4. Ask for match.
5. Insist on the match if they check for Maple Keys stock.
"2 then 4?" thought Timmy, "Must be a typo."
And so Timmy walked into a Pine Woods store, wondering if any other JIF users has already used this technique. Checking the display, Pine Wood has many Metal Acorns left. Pleased, Timmy approached the store personnel and asked for a match in purchase price.
"Hm...Maple Keys did price the Metal Acorn very reasonably, make sure they have stock, otherwise we won't match it", one of the store personnel said.
Timmy's heart sank a little like a brick upon hearing that comment. But he kept on trying, perhaps they would be in stock at Maple Keys.
"So...do they have to have it in stock?"
"Yeah" the store clerk said while pigeoning Maple Keys.
"Do you check them all?"
"No, we won't, we'll randomly check one."
"But what if it's just that one that ran out?"
"Don't worry." said the clerk, but Timmy wasn't comforted. "Hello? Maple Keys? I was wondering if you have anymore Metal Acorns in stock. You do? Very well". Upon hearing this Timmy was instantly relieved, his quest is about to end!
"Well, they check their supply via the femputer, so calling any one is just the same." explained the clerk.
And so Timmy waited in line patiently to get the match in purchase price. After about 20 minutes and a bunch of going back and forth between store personnel later, the store clerk finally got a Metal Acorn and was about to match for Timmy.
"Huh, the femputer says that we sell this for less than Maple Keys", the clerk said.
"What?" Timmy said, "but the tag at the display says much higher!" The store clerk shrugged, and made a mention that these things happen. "So you still want to match?"
"No, I want it at your price then." Timmy said.
Content that he has completed his mission, Timmy went back to his Master, proudly presenting the Metal Acorn.
"I did it!" exclaimed Timmy, "I got it, but Pine Wood had it at an even more reasonable price."
"Oh, not surprising" said the Master, "so why did it take so long?"
"'Cause I had to wait for the store people to figure out all the match policy stuff."
"Huh? Didn't you ask for the price first?"
"What? The scroll said nothing of the sort, don't tell me lies."
"Let me see that," Timmy handed the scroll back to the Master. "Ah, I knew I forgot something, step number 3 is to first inquire about the Pine Wood price."
"WTF..." Timmy said under his breath as he rolled his eyes.
Chapter 1
---------
There once was a man from Pantucket...
